December 14, 2015 – Monday
I knew I’d come to this point where I have to express gratitude towards unpleasant circumstances, experiences, or feelings—it’s because God is still sovereign even over our personal struggles. I intend to not be so clear and direct with my words in this post, so bear with me as you read between the lines. Here you go…
Today, I’m thankful for “back-to-the-altar” moments. These are the moments when I have to come back to the altar of my heart and surrender to God what needs to be surrendered. This year, I’ve found myself coming back to the altar for the same reason, re-surrendering anything that ignites passion and desires towards that same reason. As I approach the altar each time, several negative emotions attempt to fill my heart and thoughts: sorrow, discontent, hopelessness, confusions, and perhaps, bitterness. It’s the least place I’d ever want to be—to be at the seat of my emotions. The struggle is real.
Once, during a Sunday service, our pastor said, “Everyday, we are either faced with problems or passions.” I remember sitting there quietly and telling myself, “Mine is mostly passions.” Everyday, I have to battle against my own personal desires and my secret wishes, understanding that God’s will and desires are what matter the most. Testings of the heart come every single day, like God is always asking, “Do you love me with all your heart?” and I always fail to prove it 😢 This reminds me of Elisabeth Elliot’s (2002) words in her book, Passion and Purity, as she journals and writes about her own struggles with her desires:
May 6—Who would have guessed what a few days would bring forth? How can God work His will in me if I am clogged with wishes of my own? Thy will be done.
I was certainly in a state! “Clogged with wishes.” I was wishing that my wishes were what God wished, and if my wishes were not what God wished, I wished that I could wish my wishes would go away, but the wishes were still there (p. 47).
The last verse reflects the stage of my heart. Sometimes, I tell God, “If only I don’t have an object for these desires…. If only these feelings don’t exist… If only I don’t have these distractions, then I’d be able to focus on You and I’d be fine.” “It’s been too long; I just want to forget. How can You work in me if I’m still holding on?” But this is not the case. The more I try to run away from my passions, the more they chase me and the more I have to face them. And they are not the most pleasant experiences ever! Here I am, perplexed and oftentimes wondering why God would bring me even closer to the one I have taken a step away from. I want that my wishes be God’s wishes, and if it’s not His wishes, I wish He would just let it die naturally. But as days go by, the stronger these wishes get. They grow and they hurt, but they make me stronger each day. Maybe because I have not completely let things go, and I have not completely trusted Him in this aspect? And God continues to chasten me? All of these need to be surrendered to Him.
But as I face mostly with passions everyday, I’m thankful that I could use these opportunities to glorify and honor God’s will and desire for my life more than my own, for His plans take the highest priority. Our pastor also added, “…these are trust opportunities.” I’m thankful that these “back-to-the-altar” moments are an opportunity for me to exercise trust and faith in the Lord and what He is doing even despite uncertainties. Despite the negative emotions that ruminate my thoughts, I could trust the fact that He is still sovereign over my feelings, and He understands what I’m going through. What I’m left to do is to surrender those emotions to Him and use this time to seek His will through His Word.
This morning, I was awoken with a helpless and frustrating thought related to the matter of my “own will,” asking God all the W’s and H questions in my prayers. I immediately ran to my bible, and during those moments of desperation, God quickly revealed His Words to give me comfort:
“Now this is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that he hears us, whatever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we have asked of Him.” – 1 John 5:14-15
The phrase “if we ask anything according to His will, He will hear us” is where the challenge comes. Here’s the commentary of this Scripture from my John MacArthur study bible:
“5:14 confidence. Christians can know with absolute confidence that God answers prayer when they approach the throne of grace (Heb.4:16). accordance to His will. This phrase constitutes a strategic key to answered prayer. To pray according to God’s will is to pray in accord with what He would want, not what we would desire or insist that He sold do for us (John 14:13, 14). John already specified that answered prayer also depends on obedience to God’s commandments and avoidance of sin (3:21; Ps. 66:18; John 15:7; 1 Pet. 3:7). Since genuine believers know God’s Word (i.e., His will) and practice those things that are pleasing to Him, they will never insist on their own will but supremely seek God’s desires (Matt.26:39-42).”
It is encouraging that I can use those moments of coming back to the altar of my heart as approaching God’s grace. I know God wants me to lift up everything that bothers me—no matter what it is. It is the perfect time to remind myself of God’s divine providence over the circumstances I don’t understand and over all the questions I find no answers at the moment.
God, sorry that I have not completely immersed myself into Your own will. Give me the strength to do so. I want to be an obedient servant, and if it takes pain and grief to make me be that, allow Your Spirit to richly dwell in me daily, so I could supremely seek Your desires while I endure the battles You have for me. Thank You for the “back-to-the-altar” moments that allow me to regularly give to You anything I’m holding on in this life. Thank You, Lord, for it may not be my most favorite place to be, but it is the most essential place for me to be.
This was my view as I was sitting at Starbucks today. Pure beauty and majesty. “I will praise You, O Lord, among the peoples; I will sing to You among the nations. For Your mercy reaches unto the heavens, and Your truth unti the clouds. Be exalted, O God, above the heavens; let Your glory be above all the earth.” Psalm 57:9-11
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